I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
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Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
wow he looks just like him
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List