It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
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ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.