Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

Wife & son backing out in the car,

4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]

4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”