@theshantilly

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

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@BeTheCookie

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

@clichedout

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

@anbrll00

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

@daddydoubts

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

@Torriable

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

@lloydrang

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

@causticbob

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

@mchooyah

Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.

@Tmoney68

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

@FaisalAdam_

Asked a girl what I had to do to get her, she said, “GET LOST!”
So I stared…
Realising she wasn’t saying more, I asked, “which season?”