@BeTheCookie At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
@theshantilly Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
You Might Also Like
@BeTheCookie 
@clichedout her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
@anbrll00 I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
@daddydoubts My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
@Torriable I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
@lloydrang People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
@causticbob I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
@mchooyah Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
@Tmoney68 A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
@FaisalAdam_ Asked a girl what I had to do to get her, she said, “GET LOST!”
So I stared…
Realising she wasn’t saying more, I asked, “which season?”