Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

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“Anybody here named Jeff?”
Jeff: “Yes”
Geoff: “Yeos”


Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face


me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?


My new bowflex comes tomorrow…so if anyone wants to buy a slightly used bowflex in a couple months let me know.


[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now


“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”


Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*