“Anybody here named Jeff?”
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
You Might Also Like
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
When this quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.
My new bowflex comes tomorrow…so if anyone wants to buy a slightly used bowflex in a couple months let me know.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*