Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
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ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”