Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
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My ideal weight is five million dollars
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Easy enough.