@mom_ontherocks

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

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@TheDailySchmuck

“It meant nothing to me, babe. I swear!”

When my girl catches me in the closet eating Devil’s food cake with my bare hands.

@Angibangie

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

@SvnSxty

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

@TheEllenShow

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

@ericsshadow

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

@LackOfShame

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

@MrsTomServo

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

@ThatLibrary

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

@OtherDanOBrien

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

@Daveastated

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!