therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
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Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it