@itsnashflynn

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

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@SeanEmeny

People who have wheels on their office chair, how do you get any work done?

@BeTheCookie

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

@abbycohenwl

-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!

@SouthernStylin1

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

@joeljeffrey

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

@Angel_150913

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

@MavenofHonor

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known