therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

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People who have wheels on their office chair, how do you get any work done?


When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.


-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!


14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen


I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.


If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.


So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known