Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
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Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.