therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
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[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
i actually laughed 😩
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.