Therapist: ‘In a word, tell me how you feel about-‘


You Might Also Like


Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.


Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?


[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn


Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.


People think having 5 sets of grandparents rules as kid on Xmas, and it does, but you pay for it on the back end having to go to 97 funerals




Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*


My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night


[After Big Jewel Heist]

“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”

ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok


If you were a plant which one would you be? I’d be nuclear power