@mack44_d

Therapist: ‘In a word, tell me how you feel about-‘

Me: ‘NACHOS!’

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@leftarmisme

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

@LlamaInaTux

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

@FeelingEuphoric

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

@stillwondering1

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

@zachreinert03

People think having 5 sets of grandparents rules as kid on Xmas, and it does, but you pay for it on the back end having to go to 97 funerals

@

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@Gre_Gone

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

@osoplain

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

@sad_tree

[After Big Jewel Heist]

“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”

ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok

@BoogTweets

If you were a plant which one would you be? I’d be nuclear power