[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
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I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
what’s the point then??
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.