@mack44_d
@leftarmisme
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
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@leftarmisme
@LlamaInaTux
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
@FeelingEuphoric
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
@stillwondering1
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
@zachreinert03
People think having 5 sets of grandparents rules as kid on Xmas, and it does, but you pay for it on the back end having to go to 97 funerals
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@Gre_Gone
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
@osoplain
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
@sad_tree
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
@BoogTweets
If you were a plant which one would you be? I’d be nuclear power