@ArfMeasures

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

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@GingerHotDish

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

@ThugRaccoons

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

@DamienFahey

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

@KeetPotato

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

@RCKruseKontrol

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

@Smooheed

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

@DrakeGatsby

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

@Abdithugger

Me : “What’s the passcode to your phone?”

Friend: “My birthday”

My friend and I: