Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
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Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra