*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
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I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Me : “What’s the passcode to your phone?”
Friend: “My birthday”
My friend and I: