@AbbieEvansXO

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

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@DrakeGatsby

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

@ThugRaccoons

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

@HeyZeus666

I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem.

I threw my scale out.

@Reverend_Scott

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

@Mr_Kapowski

[magician rolls over in bed]
“Last night was amazing”

Woman: Magical. Make me breakfast?

Magician: [waves magic wand, eats her]

@Nocturnesthesia

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

@Robski_Boy

I still get my ‘drive-throughs’ & ‘drive-bys’ mixed up. Which is the one where I have to take a gun?

@TrendsZim

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”