Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
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me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.