@realfunghi

Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…

You Might Also Like

@DeepDarkFear

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

@Asbo_Unicorn

When asked which is more important looks or brains? 9 out of 10 zombies said “braaaaiiiiinnnnssss” number 10 ate the researcher.

@awkwardenabled

“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me

@papajawn7704

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

@jonnysun

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

@idiosity

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

@MumInBits

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/