Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
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When asked which is more important looks or brains? 9 out of 10 zombies said “braaaaiiiiinnnnssss” number 10 ate the researcher.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/