Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…

You Might Also Like


If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.


When asked which is more important looks or brains? 9 out of 10 zombies said “braaaaiiiiinnnnssss” number 10 ate the researcher.


“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me


Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911


DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry


Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.


Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*


Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/