Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
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Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.