therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
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I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!