therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
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Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Who knew!
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.