therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
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I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.