Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
You Might Also Like
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I don’t know what to do
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
if a cop pulls u over play dead
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.