Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
🛁
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Do not levitate over flowers
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
