Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
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Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Why soy sad?
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
“so what brings you to therapy today?”