Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

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Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*


what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material


Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.


Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.


10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.


Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.


How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1) put some earbuds in your pocket 2) wait one minute


I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.


My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.