I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks … to the alligators…
All I wanted was to complete the circle of life.
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
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Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
The Rock is going to have a kid, which they’ll name Pebbles.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.