Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
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Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*