@preritpathak

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

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@iGreenMonk

I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks … to the alligators…

All I wanted was to complete the circle of life.

@LlamaInaTux

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

@3sunzzz

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

@1Badasspoolboy

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

@roboticcrab

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

@ArfMeasures

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

@LizHackett

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.