Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
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Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
#SuperBowl
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent