Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
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I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
hackers play passwordle
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Don’t forget to tip your server
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*