Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
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ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Morning my dudes.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.