@LoveNLunchmeat

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”

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@Buffalojilll

Strange things: the prequel

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2 Stranger 2 Things

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Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

@jenlaw_11

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

@AnnaKendrick47

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

@LosLos__

I never know what to do with my hands during pictures,
so I get it gang members, I totally get it.

@savvystrider

My friend Mark called me pretentious so I slapped him with my silk handkerchief.

@piques15

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

@david8hughes

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

@cluedont

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

@robotrowboat

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

@Muath_tu

Lil Wayne is like if a doctor’s handwriting came to life.