Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
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*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving