Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
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My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
i really liked this one
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.