@sensual_dad

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

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@Manali_Shetye5

If it’s not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in flower shop, you can probably start the conversation with “What did you do?”.

@DrakeGatsby

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

@AmishPornStar1

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

@therepoguy

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.

@Rollinintheseat

Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

@lalastrailer

If I had a dollar for everyone I work with who’s dumber than me, I’d have $11 cause I work for a small company.

@sweetmomissa

[Being murdered]

Murderer: any last words?

Me: It’s fine, go ahead

Murderer: *eyes widen*

Me: no really, you’re gonna do what you want anyway. I can’t stop you.

Murderer (who has been married 20 years): nope, I’m good *runs away*

@mooseandriosmom

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

@TinCanDan

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

@jergarl

Me: IT’S TIME TO SETTLE DOWN FOR THE NIGHT

8yo:*starts playing accordion

M: Where did you even get that?

8:*making eye contact* No idea.