therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

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If it’s not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in flower shop, you can probably start the conversation with “What did you do?”.


Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.


I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.


Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car



Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*


If I had a dollar for everyone I work with who’s dumber than me, I’d have $11 cause I work for a small company.


[Being murdered]

Murderer: any last words?

Me: It’s fine, go ahead

Murderer: *eyes widen*

Me: no really, you’re gonna do what you want anyway. I can’t stop you.

Murderer (who has been married 20 years): nope, I’m good *runs away*


Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.


yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna



8yo:*starts playing accordion

M: Where did you even get that?

8:*making eye contact* No idea.