Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
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[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Care for your back
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
The glory of fall.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.