Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
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The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.