Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
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Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.