therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
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Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed