Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
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FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.