Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
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And that about sums it up.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Holy moly
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Fights fire with marshmallows
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.