Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
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please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss