Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
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normalize having existential bread
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
we’re dead?
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
The answer is funnier than the question
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
lol
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.