therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

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GOD: hey can I have one of your ribs
Adam: what for
GOD: uhh science project
Adam: you hate science
GOD: look do u wanna get laid or not


Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?


Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!

“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.


Me: Wake up


Me: We’re late


Me: The house is on fire


Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*


The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.


Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien


Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat