GOD: hey can I have one of your ribs
Adam: what for
GOD: uhh science project
Adam: you hate science
GOD: look do u wanna get laid or not
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
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A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Me: Wake up
Me: We’re late
Me: The house is on fire
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.