therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
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“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*