therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

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cdc: don’t go out

me: ok

cdc: u can’t go to bars or clubs

me: no problem

cdc: [sweating] or restaurants

me: damn. drive-thru?

cdc: still open

me: this doesn’t affect me at all


“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”


Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?


“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!


[role playing in bed as pirates]

Me: Arggh, I want that booty.

Her: *giggling* Mmmk

Me: [takes out a map] Now if we cross the Atlantic…


Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test


Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?


Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?



Therapist: well it’s worth a try


Twas the Night Before Return Without Receipt Day & All the Retail Employees Were Drinking Heavily While Visions of “No, I Won’t Take Store Credit— Get Me the Manager!” Danced in Their Heads.