cdc: don’t go out
cdc: u can’t go to bars or clubs
me: no problem
cdc: [sweating] or restaurants
me: damn. drive-thru?
cdc: still open
me: this doesn’t affect me at all
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
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“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
[role playing in bed as pirates]
Me: Arggh, I want that booty.
Her: *giggling* Mmmk
Me: [takes out a map] Now if we cross the Atlantic…
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Twas the Night Before Return Without Receipt Day & All the Retail Employees Were Drinking Heavily While Visions of “No, I Won’t Take Store Credit— Get Me the Manager!” Danced in Their Heads.
People who disagree with me know that they’re wrong, right?