Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
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Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.