Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
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No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Well, that didn’t work.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.