Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
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*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I bought my nephew a drum set because:
A) I’m an awesome uncle
B) Learning to play an instrument is important
C) I hate my sister
God: hey can we talk?
Cat: what’s up?
God: I thought you loved the humans?
Cat: I love them so much!
God: but you ignore them like 90% of the time.
Cat: I’m playing hard to get.
Cat: don’t wanna seem too desperate.
Cat: omg did they say something about me?
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
When someone doesn’t answer your text it doesn’t mean they don’t like you anymore it means they want to kill you
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.