@tweetsbyrocket

therapist: u suffer from social isolation

me: oh no

therapist: you just need to talk to people

me: OH NO

You Might Also Like

@Vodkantots

I’m starting to think the other moms might not like my nicknames for their kids.

@jlock17

The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

*pulls away from kissing*

Does this mean no ticket or several tickets, officer?

@truegritrumble

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

@simoncholland

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

@Cheeseboy22

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.

@TweetPotato314

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

@DanaSchwartzzz

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

@lmegordon

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.