therapist: u suffer from social isolation

me: oh no

therapist: you just need to talk to people

me: OH NO

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I’m starting to think the other moms might not like my nicknames for their kids.


The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.


*pulls away from kissing*

Does this mean no ticket or several tickets, officer?


I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.


Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day


If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.


Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?


Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread


Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.