i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
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me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.