@tweetsbyrocket

therapist: u suffer from social isolation

me: oh no

therapist: you just need to talk to people

me: OH NO

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@T_Bonezzz_

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

@MavenofHonor

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

@eyeswidebutt

me: SHOW ME WHERE IT SAYS `NO CATS ALLOWED’

thats not a cat its a king cobra & it just went into the ballpit

me: Bitey loves kids doe

@KateWhineHall

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

@cwhudson

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

@InternetHippo

How do you know if a website really likes you or only wants you for your data

@ArfMeasures

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!