TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
therapist: u suffer from social isolation
me: oh no
therapist: you just need to talk to people
me: OH NO
You Might Also Like
Carpal tunnel is ruining my sex life.
how come i dont pee bubbles when i drink Sprite
[hits it again]
ah guess its ok, wouldn’t want a tingly dingus
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
If you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there’s the door.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you