@tweetsbyrocket

therapist: u suffer from social isolation

me: oh no

therapist: you just need to talk to people

me: OH NO

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@blade_funner

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

@Sin6005

Relationship status:

Carpal tunnel is ruining my sex life.

@captainkalvis

[hits blunt]

how come i dont pee bubbles when i drink Sprite

[hits it again]

ah guess its ok, wouldn’t want a tingly dingus

@pleatedjeans

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

@NoogsCorner

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

@ingmarbirdman

If you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there’s the door.

@thedad

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

@CodyJP9412

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

@crownjuul

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you