@stevevsninjas

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

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@Ant_F3ltz

Little known fact: If you ride any animal in the zoo for more than 30 seconds… it’s yours to keep.

@AtticusFinch79

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.

@BakedElle

I now pronounce you internet boyfriend and girlfriend.
You may put your hand down your pants and kiss your phone.

@YourMomsucksTho

My husband always knows I got my period by how I wear white dresses and twirl in fields, then swing for hours and hours while laughing.

@QwertyJones3

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

@turdfailure

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

@FeralCrone

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

@GoddessTitty

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

@COMETHRUGIRL

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference