@DrakeGatsby

Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.

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@DecantAndPour

I lost a very close friend and drinking buddy last week.

She got her finger caught in a wedding ring.

@punished_picnic

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

@

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@joeljeffrey

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

@iwearaonesie

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

@TheDairylandDon

Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.

@BoomBoomBetty

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

@Nikkeya08

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

@notalogin

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?