Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
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Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
When you kidnap a writer.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.