Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
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The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably