Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
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My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
This kinda thing happens to me often
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.