@MorticiaKate

Therapist: What brings you here today?

Me: I’m a middle child.

Therapist: I see, classi..

Me: In between two sets of twins.

Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.

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@Divergentmama

As my kids get older, I am more convinced that drinking water fixes everything.

Have a stomachache – drink some water
Have a headache – you really need to drink more water
Bear attack on the way to school – I bet the bear was dehydrated, here have a glass of water

@EyeSeeYou619

Sometimes I open the refrigerator door with my foot just to impress my dog.

@IvoryGazelle

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

@angeliav68

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

@Thomas1774Paine

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

@CulturedRuffian

Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.

@djdavemichaels

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

@Darlainky

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.