Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
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SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”