Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
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My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
So creative 😂
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”