Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
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Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
The best shot in the history of golf
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Realize this:
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Cinematography is my passion